I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
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Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now