Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
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graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Who knew!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!