[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
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Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Can’t stop laughing
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.