Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
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Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what