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Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?