Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
the pigeons are already plenty salty
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
the three branches of government
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*