I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I’m an avid indoorsman.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation