My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
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[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao