The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
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Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt