YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
all bases covered
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!