I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
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Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.