The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
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Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
all bases covered
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄