Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
You Might Also Like
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
ok this is my dumbest yet
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him