[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.