Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
You Might Also Like
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
ibopfufen
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing