LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT