*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.