[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
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I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs