Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream