Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Bring back the McRib
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.