What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
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“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
mathematically impossible
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”