God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.