Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants