I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
2022 be like
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn