I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.