Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
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a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Squirrels before girls.
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.