When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
You Might Also Like
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I love you…
…r dog.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride