*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
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*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
This 4th of July, please remember…
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.