Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
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During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Mornin
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
The Backseat Boys
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*