I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Just a reminder, folks:
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules