My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this