Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
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[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I think we should hear other voices.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.