*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
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How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
an octopus is just a wet spider
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.