I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi