If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.