Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster