A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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What the hell happened here.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
an octopus is just a wet spider
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered