My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”