Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
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Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Scream sneezers need love too.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.