The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.