911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
You Might Also Like
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Life hack
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
look at me when i’m typing to you
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd