Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
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nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!