I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
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If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun