*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in