A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.