Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
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TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
This kid is going places
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..