If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
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HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.