Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
You Might Also Like
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
OMG 🤣🤣
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?