Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
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I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.