Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
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Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.